Eloquence & Erudition

How To Seduce Your Penis

2005-11-16T12:05:00.001-08:00

Once again, I feel the need to add a preface. I wrote this sometime around March of '04 while studying abroad. My roommate at the time was preparing a satirical "Worst Case Scenario" book, which caused me to think of the comedic possibilities of a How-To format. I started thinking of the last things anyone would ever need an advice booklet for, and of course, masturbation came to mind. From there, it was all about making the essay as outrageous as possible, mentioning bizarre ideas and practices in passing as if totally normal. The essay has since been published and readers have since thought me crazy if not perverted, hence this introduction. Enjoy.

Loving The Penis That Loves You Back

You may have noticed it from afar, winking at you while dancing with your every step. You may have even felt its seductive brush against your body, beckoning your touch. However, if you are consulting this essay, odds are you are not as "familiar" with your penis as you may wish. Have no fear, the following paragraphs will contain all the information you need to fully and effective seduce your penis.

The first step in any seduction is learning about your prey. Who is your penis; where does it hang out; what entices him (or her)? At times your member may appear a distant enigma, but have no fear, your penis is as attached to you as you are to it, and all you have to do is find a way to connect with your loving partner.

One way to earn your penis' trust is to earn the trust of its closest friend, the scrotum. This may sound easy, but I assure you, the scrotum is no push over. It demands constant supervision and will gladly let you know if it is uncomfortable in anyway. In many regards, your scrotum is akin to an old man: wrinkly; cranky; and dressed with a thin coat of hair. He does not like extreme temperatures and will react accordingly. Should the weather be too chilly, he will retreat inwards, convincing the penis to join him. This is not acceptable and your best bet is to avoid uncomfortable situations. Likewise, should your scrotum be attacked in anyway, either by an accidental bump or a full on assault by your ex-girlfriend, it will notify you of its displeasure. Odds are your penis will want nothing to do with you until the scrotum has healed and come to terms with the incident. Make sure your scrotum is pleased at all times, but don't compromise your relationship with your penis, remember, you aren't trying to seduce your scrotum.

When approaching the seduction phase, one must remember to be kind to your penis. No matter what type of relationship you plan on having with your member, you should always begin by being gentle and considerate, making sure to take into account both its feelings and yours. Although your penis may fit in a variety of holes, try to reserve it for holes which both you and it can enjoy. For example, holes in the wall, toaster, or any holes belonging to a relative should be avoided. This is a sure fire way to tell your penis "Hey, you can trust me penis, we're buddies".

The final step is the seduction. Now be aware that your penis may be a little nervous the first time. Be considerate. While you may prefer a rougher physical relationship, make sure the seduction is soft and slow. Utilize a variety of water based lubricants. Try lighting a few candles, playing some soothing music, and gently approaching your penis. At first your penis may be timid, so only use one hand, preferably your strongest one, to carefully massage it. If your technique is effective, you will see the fruits of your labor instantly. Continue with the effective technique until you reach a climax. Then carefully clean up any subsequent mess and leave the public toilet as if nothing had happened.

After a few romps in the bed, or in the car, or on your friend's sister's pillow, you and your penis will find yourselves madly in love with each other. While this is undoubtedly a wonderful experience for you both, many will not be able to appreciate your new found love. Most of them will be Catholic, but some may just be your average passerby. It's best to avoid public displays of affection between you and your penis. While there may be countless reasons to celebrate your new love: a gentle breeze; the shaking of a public bus; maybe even the low cut shirt of a passing woman; it is entirely unacceptable to openly express your desires. In the event that your emotions do get the best of you, try to find a secluded place to physically enjoy your penis’ company. A closed off room is your best bet. Under no circumstances should you attempt to seduce your penis through your pants pocket, it will only cheapen your love and dramatically reduce the resale value of your trousers.

There may be times when your penis angers or embarrasses you. Perhaps your penis will become aroused during inappropriate times, perhaps it will not be ready for love when you are. That's fine; you can get what you want out of your penis if you are considerate and reasonable. Should your penis desire affection during an inappropriate time, try distracting your penis with your imagination. Try thinking of scary, disgusting, or even embarrassing thoughts, such as how you have to consult a manual in order to jerk off. This should send your erection into remission and allow you to continue jumping rope in the park. Should your penis not desire affection when you do, try gently stroking and playing with it. Eventually your penis will lighten up and respond appropriately.

With these instructions in mind you are now able to begin the seduction of your penis. Remember, true love blossoms from trust and understanding, not from cheap whiskey and peep shows. Don't push your penis too hard and always be ready to hear its opinion of your relationship. That being said, I'm sure you and your penis will enjoy many romantic evenings together. Don't be afraid to express your emotions, caress its head gently, tell your penis you love it, and enjoy the rest of your days together.

Reasons Why I Like My New Belt

2005-11-14T14:11:00.000-08:00

- it's shorter than the previous one, less awkward tail action
- deep brown color nice change from traditional black
- larger belt buckle
- fairly cheap
- greater belt width, more support, more sweet belt action
- is not cracking with wear like old belt
- bought it with store credit from returned gift, expense not out of pocket
- belt buckle has rolling top to reduce friction when tightening
- its thickness implies that it will not rip or stretch easily

A Letter To The Editor

2005-11-13T19:41:00.001-08:00

If I remember correctly, it was the winter of '04. I had been sitting around bored (drinking) for several hours when the idea came to me. I would write a letter to a radically conservative and homophobic Christian website asking the editor and webmaster for advice concerning a very delicate and delicately put issue. Fucking brilliant. I created a fake email account under the name Jim Baldwin, as in the famous writer, gay rights advocate, and homosexual James Baldwin. I sent out numerous emails, but only received one back, although I stopped checking the account shortly after receiving this email. Both the original email and its response have not been edited, which makes the whole thing that much funnier. I would like to mention that the use of homophobic language and stereotypes was of course intentional and that it is not reflective of any beliefs I hold. I was making a very concerted effort to make the letter as ridiculous and unbelievable as I could. I have omitted the original website address for a variety of reasons, but mostly due to a lack of respect for the reader. Enjoy.

To Whom It May Concern,
My name is Jim Baldwin and I have been a true Christian all my life. I am writing in an attempt to save a friend of mine who I fear has been influenced by society’s more deviant elements. I suppose the situation is fairly complicated, so I had best start from the beginning. I sincerely hope you can save him.

Every Wednesday, my friend Jackson comes over for what we like to call “Gladiator Night”. We sit around and watch movies which feature ancient Roman gladiator fights, Ben Hur and Gladiator being the most popular examples. It is by nature a very heterosexual endeavor, as the man on man action is often extreme. I do not understand how sex relates to two burly men, with hardly any protection, wrestling each other to death under the intense Roman sun. Regardless, I am not the one with the problem.

My friend Jackson started acting odd from the beginning. He made some comment on finding out a long time friend from work was gay. I asked him what he was going to do, but Jackson just shrugged his shoulders, implying the situation was fine as it stood. I of course prayed for him that night.

As the night and Gladiatorial warfare continued, Jackson began acting nervous. At one point, he put a couch cushion over his lap. While he claimed he had just noticed a hole in his pants, I believe he was attempting to hide a massive erection. I felt uncomfortable, but I was raised not to be rude to guests.

I asked Jackson to leave when he noticed an especially muscular extra and commented on how that man could “bench press me anytime he wanted.” He of course said the remark was in reference to the man’s ability to bench press him at any moment of the day, due to his build, but I believe it was in reference to his homoerotic desire to engage in coitus with another male. He had to go.

This is where I stand. I am afraid my friend has turned gay and I want to help him. Is there hope? Should I stay clear of him as to avoid his gay influence? What can I do? Please tell me ASAP.

Sincerely,
Jim Baldwin

I don't think it is a matter of him turning gay. It is a behavior problem that can start very young, he possibly has at one time been abused? Maybe by a family memeber or freind of the family? Most people who are homosexual generaly have been abuse at some point in their life. Not all but about 90 percent of them.
Some people are born with the tendancy to different types of sin, such as lying, or stealing, and of course types of sexual sin, such as having to have sex all the time, an uncontrolable urge, like an addiction. Homosexuality lies in that catagory. It is not normal behavior to have sex with the same sex, just as it is not normal to have sexual feelings for animals and small children. Just like it is not normal to take something that is not yours.
Sin is a learned behavior. Just like the way people treat each other. Generaly we all know deep inside what is not normal and what is normal by what we are taught as small children and by what we experience in the way people treat us, we learn how to treat others by watching our parents in how they treat others.
Homosexuality is a very deadly sin. It separates us from God, and can lead to a very dangerouse life and deadly afterlife.
Your freind is confused and may have deep guilt feelings. you can help him by not judging him and talking to him about maybe what is troubling him. at home or at work. And being honest with him about his behavior, and just let him know that you care and if he needs to talk things out that you will be there for him, and maybe find some good web sites that can give him the help he needs to fight the temptation of sexual sin. He nor anybody else does not have to live the life of a homosexual. The lie that is in the world that homosexuality is something your born with is a total cop out. There is no proof what so ever that this is a fact. the fact I do know is, is that God would never make an abominaiton against Himself. Human beings souls are born perfect. It is free will that brings us into sin.
Think about that.
There are web sites out there that I have at my web site for the cure for homosexuality at
OMITTED
God Bless you
Carol

Busted Blenders and Broken Hearts

2005-11-10T09:24:00.000-08:00

If I remember correctly, I was making my nightly toffee milkshake. Engulfed in my quest for deliciousness, I put too much toffee in the blender. I awoke the next morning to find the plastic bottom stuck to the pitcher, rendering the blender uncleanable, unusable. A gift to my roommate from his uncle when he was only five had been destroyed in my journey to the land of perfect toffee milkshakes and late night gluttony.

I left work early that day and waited for my roommate on the front steps.

“John, I got to talk to you man. Last night, I, well, I was making a milkshake and things got way out of hand. Umm, the blender’s broken. I don’t know what to say.”

“My blender? That was a gift from my uncle. We used to make milkshakes together when I was a kid.”

“I’m really sorry man. I’ll get it fixed.”

“His dying words to me were ‘Shake it up Johnny’.”

“Consider it fixed man, I just wanted to let you know. I’ll take care of it.”

But I never did and my roommate noticed. After a particularly impressive night at the bars, I came home to find the blender tucked into the sheets of my bed. I reacted with anger and resolved to speak with John immediately after I removed the blender from my bed, both of which I decided to leave until the following morning.

“Why did you put the blender in my bed,” I asked with all the fury my hangover would permit.

“Because it’s still broken and it means the world to me. Don’t you feel like an asshole for breaking a promise?”

“No, I haven’t had time to fix it.”

“What do you feel like?”

“A nap.”

“Is that funny to you?”

“I don’t think that’d be funny to anyone,” he walked away and I fell asleep on the couch shortly thereafter.

Oh toffee, how delicious and cruel an axe you wield. Was my milkshake worth destroying my friendship over? How could I have been so foolhardy in my pursuits? I began thinking that perhaps this was the greatest social mistake I had ever made.

But then I started thinking about the blender in my bed, and that maybe John saw it as some sort of punishment. In fact, maybe it was part of a whole system where infractions invoke the placement of various kitchen appliances in the offender’s room. Breaking a loved possession of his might earn me the old blender in the bed, while not doing my dishes might deliver a rice cooker onto my laptop. If I forgot to take a message for him, he’d put the Dust Buster in my sock drawer and if I was late with rent, he’d put the whole fridge in my room. It was only a coincidence that I broke the same appliance with which I was punished.

Now knowing his game, I waited for my chance to strike like a rabid hawk waits for a plump rodent to appear from its nest.

And appear he did.

Several nights later, after retiring to bed early in preparation for a grueling day of work, I was woken by the screams, giggles, and moans of my roommate and his girlfriend fooling around on our living room couch. I knew this was my chance to use his punishment system against him, but how? Should I put a blender in his bed? No, he had already escalated the situation, I couldn’t back down. I needed to show him I was willing to play hardball. If he was going to spite me by moving the kitchen into my bedroom, I’d spite him back by moving my bedroom into the kitchen.

I jumped out of bed and into action. Despite their clear view of the kitchen, neither one of them noticed or said anything until my mattress was setup on the floor. I was tucking in the last corner of my sheets when I caught John’s attention.

“What the fuck are you doing,” he shouted at me. His girlfriend was speaking very quickly to him and I had trouble hearing much of what she said.

“You know damn well what I’m doing, you spiteful bastard. You had this coming for a long time,” I replied as I sat on the edge of my mattress and straightened the jacket on my pillow. I had my back to them as I crawled towards the edge of my bed to get beneath the covers and I heard my roommate yell “Dude, you’re freaking her out.” Infuriated that his girlfriend was a factor in our confrontation, I looked over my shoulder on all fours and screamed “This is my apartment and I always sleep in the nude.”

His girlfriend left shortly thereafter and John stormed into the kitchen and started screaming about this and that, I wasn’t really paying attention. I had beaten him at his own game. As he turned to go to bed, he grabbed his broken blender off the counter, lifted the edge of my sheets, and threw it at me as hard as he could. I was furious and resolved to speak with John immediately after I removed the blender from my bed, both of which I decided to leave until the following morning.

The Worst Thing I Ever Stepped On Barefoot

2005-11-09T22:31:00.000-08:00

The worst thing I ever stepped on while walking around barefooted was an oddly shaped yellow Lego, that belonged to a space shuttle set, that belonged to the child who I also stepped on.

Your Neighbor

2005-08-02T20:53:00.000-07:00

Your Neighbor Hates Hot Chicago Summers, Minorities

Breaking away from his usual comments about the economy and your poor lawn care, your neighbor issued a public statement regarding his dislike for the hot Chicago summer and minorities. His statement, read aloud at his daily morning press conference, was the first public acknowledgement of these feelings and set a milestone in his frankness with the press corps. "It's so goddamn hot I can hardly sleep at night. The sheets stick to my skin and I wake up sweating. I can't go outside without getting a sun burn, unlike some other people. I fucking hate 'em." When later asked to whom he was referring, your neighbor replied "You know damn well who I'm talking about. Those goddamn minorities running around, taking over our schools and governments. They're lazy, their women are always pregnant and their men are thieves and prone to violence. A bunch of goddamn drunks if you ask me.” Your neighbor then took a sip from his glass of lemon ice water and added “Sweet mother of God it’s hot.” The following question and answer session was cut short when your neighbor checked his watch and remarked “It’s beer thirty, time to start drinking,” and abruptly left the room.

Global Warming

2005-08-01T20:28:00.000-07:00

Phone Survey

2005-07-27T20:53:00.000-07:00

During a phone survey, a woman asked me if I have any dependents and I told her I only have dependencies. She didn't laugh.

Mrs. Pac Man

2005-07-27T13:03:00.000-07:00

I've spent the past two hours at work trying to figure out Mrs. Pac Man's maiden name.

Streetwise

2005-07-25T20:37:00.000-07:00

Today I saw a man buy a “Streetwise” with a five dollar bill and ask the vendor for change.

Rock Hard

2005-07-24T16:58:00.000-07:00

I was standing at the corner of Lincoln and Sheffield when I first saw her. Her tan skin stood out in the dirty yellow glow of a city up past its bedtime. Her plain white t-shirt and jeans were not a fashion statement; they were a supporting argument for her sex appeal. She knew nothing she wore could ever detract from her stunning good looks. I had to agree. She was the most beautiful 2/3’s of a woman I had ever seen.

I wanted to look away; I knew a girl like her was nothing but trouble. I could tell she ran with a rough crowd because she had the band name Godsmack printed across her chest. She was larger than I in every sense. I was intimidated, but she had my attention. It was as if she had a spotlight shining on her, illuminating her more prominent features. Perhaps they were her only ones.

I wanted to make eye contact. I didn’t want her to think that I was staring at her chest, or her low cut jeans, which seemed to be on their way to visit her socks. I went to college; I knew about the dangers of objectifying women, of making their bodies sexual vehicles. I knew about rape culture, I read Susan Brownmiller, but it didn’t matter. As hard as I tried, I wasn’t able to look her in the eyes. It was as if she was without a head, without the unique features which make someone human. I felt guilty, but not guilty enough to walk away.

She must have known I was staring. She was motionless, frozen in a moment of unnatural sexuality; exhuming animalistic desires from all who dared to look her way. Her pose was the byproduct of seduction. I wanted to say something, but I knew she would never be able to hear a voice like mine. Her world was one of passion, of hard rock and hard living. I had a bag full of library books and head full of obligations. Perhaps we were not meant to be.

A car horn blared and I awoke from my trance. I felt disoriented and confused. I straightened my pea coat and worked my way past a mother walking her two young daughters through the intersection. I never looked back. She was beautiful, from the bottom of her chin to the top of her legs. She was tall, fit, gorgeous, and young. She had all the qualities a man would want, including a fine taste in hard rocking, socially responsible radio stations. She was the most beautiful 2/3’s of a woman I had ever seen.

Mr Bush Gorges To Washington

2005-07-24T15:01:00.000-07:00

President Bush shocked the nation today when he announced that he has spent the last four years on a “fairly serious binge”. The news set an unusual precedent and offered a unique set of challenges for lawmakers and members of both political parties, as many of the president’s signatures and agreements are legally invalid due to his state of perpetual intoxication. Fears have arisen amongst many Republicans that this shock may scare off longtime supporters and foster further anti-American sentiment around the globe.

The president made the announcement during the daily White House press conference shortly after approaching Press Secretary Scott McClellan and quietly whispering what reporters believe to be an explanation of the situation in his ear. It is reported that shortly after receiving the information, McClellan mouthed an expletive and dejectedly left the podium. When later asked for a response, the Press Secretary asked reporters if they were “fucking kidding” him, after which he ran his hands through his hair, quietly repeated the question, shook his head and walked away. He was spotted shortly thereafter at a local liquor store.

The press conference set a variety of precedents. The President, notorious for dodging the press corps more pointed questions, agreed to discuss all aspects of the current crisis. The reporters then set a precedent themselves when they responded to the offer with what has been characterized as a “deafening silence”. ABC’s White House correspondent Ann Compton later reflected on the event by saying “I know reporters are supposed to pry and ask the questions that no one else will, but there was nothing to ask. All of a sudden, everything made sense.”

The President began his announcement by noting that while the “binge ended yesterday” (Nov. 9th, 2004), he had decided it best to wait 24 hours before making the news public, ensuring himself enough time to collect his thoughts and drink Pepto-Bismol. The President then noted that he had a “wicked hangover” and that the American public should expect him to “take sometime off drinking”, and that he means it this time. Mr. Bush then looked to the right of the stage and apparently told a Secret Service guard “My dad’s going to be piping hot pissed”.

The extended bought of intoxication apparently began shortly after the final day of the 2000 Republican National convention. Mr. Bush, excited about his presidential nomination, received a congratulatory call from his brother Jeb, Governor of Florida. Mr. Bush visited his brother in Florida’s Governor’s mansion the following day, a visit he professed was defined by intoxicating substances, the least of which were alcohol.

“So I stop by Jeb’s place, and he busts out his new piece (marijuana pipe) and throws on this old Dr. Israel record, I think it was ‘Inna City Pressure’, anyway, we got pretty ripped.” The President then let out a sigh followed by a slight nod of his head. “Pretty fucking ripped” he quietly noted. Mr. Bush then went on to explain that while he understands the consumption of marijuana and its active ingredient THC is illegal in the United States, he didn’t think it would be a “big deal”.

“Things were pretty chill until Jeb’s buddy Mark stops by. Mark just got back from Paris and brought back some Absinthe, and I’m not talking about the well regulated British brand either. This was some serious stuff.” Then President then reportedly “took his drink like a man” and proceeded to “black out”.

“The next thing I remember is driving around in Jeb’s Range Rover, chugging Absinthe, blasting G.G. Allin, and smashing mailboxes.” Mr. Bush assured reporters he did not take part in any property destruction that evening as he was driving, claiming “drunk driving gets easier each time you do it.” He then explained that beyond a faint memory of “doing some blow with Noelle” referring to Jeb Bush’s only daughter, he has little recollection of the rest of the evening, and that the next four years follow suit. “I get trashed and wake up in the White House,” Mr. Bush explained, “I mean, I know you guys are a little surprised, but man, I was freaking out”.
Many Administration officials declined to comment, however one close aid, who chose to maintain the mask of anonymity, said “I can only hope the American people can forgive us of the grave injustice committed against this great country. May the Republican party repent for this error and work on mending our broken relationship with the public”.

The President reportedly awoke in his bedroom at 9:00 am on November 9th, confused as to where he was and why a looped MP3 of Lee Greenwood’s “Proud to be an American” was softly playing in the background. Once collected and conscious of the situation, the President sat down with top political aid Karl Rove and worked through the various policy initiatives he had passed over the past four years. This list was used to conclude the President’s press conference today as he glossed over many points of political contention in Washington.

“Man, how’d you guys not know I was drunk?” the President reportedly asked. “I mean, why would anyone vote against Stem Cell research? It’s not like they’re going to kill babies solely for that purpose. And wanting to overturn Roe V. Wade? Are you kidding me? You know how many times that decision got my ass out trouble when I was in college?” The President then briefly endorsed a change of tone, leaned passed the microphones, and told reporters “That’s between you and me, I mean, don’t tell Laura or anything.”

“But seriously,” Mr. Bush continued, “You guys think I want assault weapons on the streets? Assault weapons? Like cops don’t have it hard enough? Man, I must have been so loaded.” The press conference then concluded when an AP reporter asked Mr. Bush to comment on his decision to go to war with Iraq, to which the President responded “Sounded like a good idea, I mean, don’t they have Weapons of Mass Destruction or something?”